Fail........?

Well, it looks like I have failed. In many ways. In a few ways. Or have I?

I began this blog 5 weeks ago as of tomorrow. And did you notice how many posts I have made? Um, this is my second. Yep. FAIL. And remember that last post? I ended with my goals and what I was going to do to make sure that I did not fail, and I have to admit that I haven't achieved everything in that paragraph. Fail?

I suppose not entirely. I have succeeded in creating a new life inside of me for just over 9 weeks now. I consider that a big success :) I have had supper on the table for the family 6 out of 7 nights a week (and on the 7th night, we went to the restaurant).

I have not however, succeeded in keeping the house clean, or keeping myself motivated. Although, I must admit, I have not entirely failed there either. I have made it to two swim classes with my son, which is once a week. I did clean the entire first floor of the house yesterday.....huh, did I? I realized last night as I was about to go to bed, why exactly I am not motivated to keep the house clean. Yesterday morning, I spent about 2 hours cleaning the first floor. Half of that was spent on my knees washing the floor by hand. And last night, at 10pm when I was about to go to bed, I looked around me and realized that the house was a mess. There were crumbs everywhere, there were toys all over, things on the table. Messy. And I felt defeated. Like, why did I spend my morning cleaning? It is disheartening to feel as though I did it all for nothing. Just to do it all over again today. And that I have to do, as my in-laws are coming tonight, so I can't get away without re-cleaning. Because just prior to me realizing that the house was once again messy last night, my husband looked around and said that the house had better be clean for his parents. I just about lost it - but instead, I took a deep breath and pondered. This gets to me. Not only did I realized that in fact the house was messy after all my efforts, but my husband felt the need to tell me to clean it. I have such mixed feelings about conversations like this one with husband. My husband, who I know loves me, and whom I love beyond a shadow of a doubt. But, sometimes I just wish that he would think and reflect for a moment before he speaks. I don't do well at home, this is a fact that I do not hide. I try to be productive, and when I actually do get productive, I feel good. But then a conversation happens that makes me feel like a failure. I reflect on what I have done that day, and the day before, and the day before and so on. And, I think of all the things that I have done, (laundry washed, dried, and put away for every member of the house, lunch every day for my daughter, supper on the table every day for the family, tidying up discarded items, cleaning up the toys my son left out, cleaning the kids rooms, washing the dishes. And so on). I feel that I do everything myself. And then I feel guilty, because my husband has worked all day, and I feel like he should be helping around the house. And then I feel more guilty, because I am home all day and why shouldn't I do it all? And then I feel guilty. It is a vicious cycle and I can not come up with the answer. I like to be a partner in this thing called life. I don't want to do it all by myself. I don't want to do the dishes three times a day. I want help. But, I am home all day. I should be able to do it.

I don't know what the answer is. Whether I should or should not do it all. Is there truly an answer? Shouldn't it be different for everyone? Shouldn't it be an agreement between a couple about who does what? But shouldn't I have the right to ask for help? I really don't know. Hence the guilt and the pressure.

I am trying. I feel that I have perhaps failed in some areas, but I have excelled in others. I suppose it is all about balance. And this is something I have struggled with for a very long time.