Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Fail........?

Well, it looks like I have failed. In many ways. In a few ways. Or have I?
I began this blog 5 weeks ago as of tomorrow. And did you notice how many posts I have made? Um, this is my second. Yep. FAIL. And remember that last post? I ended with my goals and what I was going to do to make sure that I did not fail, and I have to admit that I haven't achieved everything in that paragraph. Fail?
I suppose not entirely. I have succeeded in creating a new life inside of me for just over 9 weeks now. I consider that a big success :) I have had supper on the table for the family 6 out of 7 nights a week (and on the 7th night, we went to the restaurant).
I have not however, succeeded in keeping the house clean, or keeping myself motivated. Although, I must admit, I have not entirely failed there either. I have made it to two swim classes with my son, which is once a week. I did clean the entire first floor of the house yesterday.....huh, did I? I realized last night as I was about to go to bed, why exactly I am not motivated to keep the house clean. Yesterday morning, I spent about 2 hours cleaning the first floor. Half of that was spent on my knees washing the floor by hand. And last night, at 10pm when I was about to go to bed, I looked around me and realized that the house was a mess. There were crumbs everywhere, there were toys all over, things on the table. Messy. And I felt defeated. Like, why did I spend my morning cleaning? It is disheartening to feel as though I did it all for nothing. Just to do it all over again today. And that I have to do, as my in-laws are coming tonight, so I can't get away without re-cleaning. Because just prior to me realizing that the house was once again messy last night, my husband looked around and said that the house had better be clean for his parents. I just about lost it - but instead, I took a deep breath and pondered. This gets to me. Not only did I realized that in fact the house was messy after all my efforts, but my husband felt the need to tell me to clean it. I have such mixed feelings about conversations like this one with husband. My husband, who I know loves me, and whom I love beyond a shadow of a doubt. But, sometimes I just wish that he would think and reflect for a moment before he speaks. I don't do well at home, this is a fact that I do not hide. I try to be productive, and when I actually do get productive, I feel good. But then a conversation happens that makes me feel like a failure. I reflect on what I have done that day, and the day before, and the day before and so on. And, I think of all the things that I have done, (laundry washed, dried, and put away for every member of the house, lunch every day for my daughter, supper on the table every day for the family, tidying up discarded items, cleaning up the toys my son left out, cleaning the kids rooms, washing the dishes. And so on). I feel that I do everything myself. And then I feel guilty, because my husband has worked all day, and I feel like he should be helping around the house. And then I feel more guilty, because I am home all day and why shouldn't I do it all? And then I feel guilty. It is a vicious cycle and I can not come up with the answer. I like to be a partner in this thing called life. I don't want to do it all by myself. I don't want to do the dishes three times a day. I want help. But, I am home all day. I should be able to do it.
I don't know what the answer is. Whether I should or should not do it all. Is there truly an answer? Shouldn't it be different for everyone? Shouldn't it be an agreement between a couple about who does what? But shouldn't I have the right to ask for help? I really don't know. Hence the guilt and the pressure.
I am trying. I feel that I have perhaps failed in some areas, but I have excelled in others. I suppose it is all about balance. And this is something I have struggled with for a very long time.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Day One

Well, today is day one. Of many things. Day one of writing a blog. Day one of school after the summer for my 10 year old daughter. Day one of school for the children that I work with. Day one of work for me. Um, scratch that, not day one of work but day one for me of not working. 

Huh? 

Nope, no work for me for at least the next 18 months. And not to worry, I have not lost my job. I am pregnant with my third child (get it? the name of the blog)!!! That's the good news. The bad news - I have a hard time being at home. 

Let me explain. Since I work with young children who have autism in a school setting, I am not able to work while I am pregnant. I am put on preventative leave and get to sit in my house and go stir-crazy for the next 8 months, and then go just plain crazy for the next 12 months before getting back out into the real world. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely lucky to have this opportunity. I get paid to be at home. How can that possibly be a bad thing?

Well, I can tell you. I did this all not that long ago. My son will be 2 years old on Friday, and I spent 21 months at home beginning in January 2009 through last August. And I didn't do well. The thing with me is that if I have nothing pressing, or no big responsibility, I get lazy. The more I sit, the harder it is. I thrive with a schedule. I thrive when I have things to do. Unfortunately, cooking and cleaning do not seem to motivate me enough to keep me motivated. When I work, I am driven. I know that others are relying on me. I know that I have to be at work, am expected to show up at a certain time, and am expected to do my job. Sure, at home I have a husband and two children who require my attention. The children need me to get them ready in the morning, and then off to school or day care. But then, they do not require me until 4pm. So what is left for me to do? Clean the house? Prepare that night's supper? Ugh!!! If I am able to get myself started to clean or plan supper, I'm ok. Once in the grove, I go all out. And after, I feel a sense of worth. I feel satisfied. I feel content that I accomplished something. But, the next time that the house needs cleaning? Another struggle to force myself to do it.

Actually, the first few weeks, at least, shouldn't be too bad. I still feel good. I am 4 weeks pregnant, and so far, don't feel any different other than having to pee all the time, and a little more tired. Besides that, normal. So, until I start to get REALLY tired, or actually feel pregnant, I should be able to motivate myself a little more. But after those feelings begin, forget it! I'm done for.

So, I have a plan of action. I told myself that when we decided to have this third baby, that I would make the most of it. It will most likely (unless I really do lose my mind) be my last pregnancy, so therefore my last opportunity to be at home.....until I retire....a LONG time from now. So, I am determined to make it worth it. I am determined to keep the house clean. I am determined to have supper planned and ready when everyone comes home. I am determined to have all the closets organized, and all the laundry done, on a regular basis. I am determined to finish my 10 year old daughter's baby scrapbook. I am determined to be the mother and wife that I want to be.  So, how will I accomplish all this, you ask?  I will make myself a schedule. I will make a list, and I will follow through. I will join activities, so that I have things that I need to attend, and therefore have to arrive at a certain time. I will get up and shower first thing so that I feel ready for the day. And, I will write a blog about all of it....so that I have to sit on my couch on the computer and be held accountable for not doing the dishes, or the housecleaning.